Here I Go Again..

I'm in that state of perplexity, once again and definately not liking one bit of it.

Ever thought you may be over something because maybe deep down you really wish you were so you do everything you possibly can to make yourself beleive you are over that thing you wish to be over, but in the end you realize that you really aren't over it therefore bringing you back to square one? If so, then you definately feel me on this one.

It's almost been a year; a year of accepting what's been given to me, a year of letting to, and a year of convincing myself I was over it. Well, it's been 11 months to be exact. Yeah, you think that someone would be over something in that amount of time, eh? Well, yeah so did I, but quite frankly I just hit rock bottom, been given a rude awakening and given a million peices to pick up and put back together.
Damn, I really can't beleive how much I've been lying to myself and how much lying to myself has really made me beleive in a huge lie that I was telling myself. How does that even happen? I have no clue really, but what I do know is that I'm totally disgusted by all of this. OK wait, maybe I do know how I ended up here, but am too scared to admitt to it... I guess it was the fact that I wanted to make everyone who beleived in me that I could get through it and in no time at all because like they said, "I deserved better," or "it isn't even worth my tears." I just wanted to make everyone who was there for me proud as well as myself. I didn't wanna be down and broken about something forever so after trying just about everything to get over what I felt I needed to, I came to the conclusion that I just needed to do things and just be fine and forget about how I'm really feeling and just act the way people would really like me to see me act (if that even made any sense at all). I didn't mean to lie to myself, I just thought that if I kept telling myself I was over it, sooner or later, I would be, but boy was I ever wrong. I've learned my lesson and learned it good.
All I really needed to do was to focus on my pain and just take it day my day; slowly, gently, and gradually. I mean time is given to us for a reason right? I mean, isn't that what time is for; to heal? Well, of course it's not good to waste your time at all for time is a a gift so it shouldn't be taken for granted, but I know that I should've really used my time to help myself. I should've taken care of myself the way I really needed to then maybe I wouldn't be here.
Damn, I really messed up BIG time. So here I go again; on my way to right my wrong. No more lying to myself and pretending for the sake of others and more of fixing the issue, for real this time. I'm just gon' take it one step at a time.